The Covid Box Office Chronicles Part 3: Ranking The HBO Max 2021 Exclusives!
Last time, The Streamin’ Demon took a look at the state of cinema during the start of the COVID Times! And now, he covers all the films released by Warner Bros…
In 2021, Warner Bros, one of the most prolific studios in the history of Hollywood made an unprecedented response to unprecedented times, one that would rock the entire theater industry: simultaneously releasing an entire year’s worth of movies in traditional theaters and free of charge, for thirty days, on their subscription streaming service HBO MAX.
Like with every studio, a whole 365 days catalogue of titles would inevitably vary in terms of quality, some of them reach the pinnacle of cinematic excellence, reinforcing why we love movies in the first place, while others include Porky Pig rapping. But there’s something about this distribution strategy that really makes one think which of these theater-worthy movies could easily be enjoyed in the safety, and relative lack of distraction, of home upon initial release. Because of the streaming option, I have seen every film given that very treatment at least twice, once when they became available for streaming and once when they were about to be taken off the HBO Max menu, and so I think I have enough to say about each one, whether I liked them or not, as I rank every film from worst to best, seeing how I wasn’t able to convey my thoughts on all of them for the podcast. So, without further ado, let’s look at the embossed shield’s 2021 output.
SPACE JAM: A NEW LEGACY
The original Space Jam is hardly a masterpiece, but everything that made that 90s relic even mildly watchable, I.E: its zany energy and spontaneity, is completely absent in this ugly mess that out-cynicals a movie literally inspired by Nike commercials by throwing in a metric ton of references to other Warner Bros property, including such childhood favorites as Rick & Morty and A Clockwork Orange, either in the background or foreground. It even adds a tired stick-in-the-mud-dad-who-learns-how-to-lighten-up-for-his-kids story with Lebron James, whose acting really isn’t that much better than MJ’s, to trick us into thinking the movie has a heart. Some good voice work from the Tunes, even if Zendaya is utterly wasted as the personality-free Lola Bunny, and a delightfully all-over-the-place turn from Don Cheadle as the villain are the only things that saves this corporate behemoth from being completely unsalvageable. Do yourself a favor and stick with the classic shorts or even the HBO Max original ones.
TOM & JERRY
Does Warner Bros just really hate their classic animated characters? Because that’s the only way this, Space Jam 2, and Scoob make any sense. This is only better than the last theatrically released movie with the cat and mouse duo in that the two never talk. Otherwise, this stale, unfunny disaster crowbars them into the background of some tired wedding subplot (no prizes for guessing that a giant cake ends up destroyed in the mayhem), trendy references, and a just constant sense of deflation. And even when the two are onscreen, the slapstick is just plain weak, and the timing is way off most of the time. I’d rather take a mallet to the head than have to go through this again.
THE LITTLE THINGS
It’s pretty obvious that this movie was written in the 90s because that’s the only time something this played out could be seen as novel, plus its 90s setting adds absolutely nothing to the story. It’s a plodding, boring, totally suspense-free “thriller” that wastes its credible cast of actors and Jared Leto, only conveying some good atmosphere during its climax that involves digging a hole in the desert. Apparently “The Little Things” were all that director and writer John Lee Hancock cared about, because the writing just simply is not there.
THE MANY SAINTS OF NEWARK
Proof that not every cinematic tv series lends itself to an actual cinematic experience. I admit I have never seen The Sorpranos, but if I ever decide to give it a chance, it’s not because of this movie with far too many subplots, including an uncle-nephew relationship that is barely explored, that individually might have been enough to fill the movie’s draining 2 hours. There is only a handful of scenes you HAVEN’T seen in every other gangster picture, and even they aren’t enough to elevate it to the show’s alleged greatness.
MORTAL KOMBAT
Strictly for the fans. Only one character, Kano, is in any way enjoyable, and only two kills are memorably gory. That’s really all I have to say. Apparently, Jeremy Slater, one of the writers behind The Umbrella Academy and the upcoming Moon Knight series, will be behind the sequel, so fingers crossed for that.
REMINISCENCE
Lisa Joy, the creator of Westworld, makes her debut with this film, and unfortunately, for a movie all about revisiting memories, it sure isn’t very memorable. Hugh Jackman, Rebecca Feruson, Thandie Newton do the best of what they can do with a script this derivative, some of the worldbuilding can be kind of interesting and I did like how certain plot elements came back in the third act, but there’s just precious little to separate it from much better science-fiction and noir films like Blade Runner or Minority Report. Just about every scene that you expect to show up in a movie like this ends up here: characters lying down in pools of water, check. Shoot out in a bar, check. Fights in dilapidated buildings, you get the idea. I’m sure Joy’s other work is much better, but I think only her die-hard fans can find something here to defend.
THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT
Notorious con-artists (and also child groomers) Ed and Lorraine Warren take us through yet another case of paranormal phenomenon in this tepid, only occasionally creepy entry in The Conjuring universe. It wastes the potential of a supernatural horror film that involves a court case by leaving just as little to the imagination as the previous two main movies. The daytime sequences with their golden hues do add a refreshing atmosphere as they do make the scenes somewhat scarier than if everything was dark, but it's just same-old, same-old.
CRY MACHO
Clint Eastwood’s latest, and possible last, Cry Macho is too old-hat and derivative to be a truly memorable experience, but it’s also too humble and endearing to regret watching when it’s over. The ideas it presents: enjoying the small things of life and putting forced masculinity aside have obviously been on Clint’s mind in his old age, and he approaches them with subtlety and grace, sharing decent chemistry with co-star Eduardo Minnett, even if the real star is the titular rooster Macho. If this ends up as The Man With No Name’s last film, which sadly seems more and more likely with each passing film he directs, it at least ends his career on a quaint and somewhat poignant note.
THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS
It’s clear that director and co-writer Lana Wachowski still has the same amount of energy and enthusiasm for the possibilities of science-fiction that she and her sister Laura had when they made the first Matrix back in 1999. Despite picking up where things left off at Revolutions, Resurrections is at its best when seen as a direct-successor of the original one, than it is when it picks up where Resurrections left off, as it can get somewhat convoluted when it does. Hugo Weaving and Lawrence Fishburne may be missed but Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss still obviously love Neo and Trinity, and Neal Patrick Harris makes for a memorable role as well, given easily the best monologue in the movie. If the phrase wasn’t hijacked by right-wing chuds on YouTube, I’d say “take the red pill and see this movie now!”, but I’ll just say “check it out” instead.
THOSE WHO WISH ME DEAD
It may not be the most memorable action-thriller out there, but Those Who Wish Me Dead still packs a decent wallop with Taylor Sheridan’s tight direction and keeping unnecessary information and exposition to a minimum. Angelina Jolie really sells this “tough person with a troubled past” trope and the rest of the cast, Nicholas Hoult, Finn Little, Aiden Gillen, and Medina Senghore have their moments to shine as well, because if anyone was slumming it with a premise as simple as this, the whole thing would just fall apart. Tense and economically-told, Those Who Wish Me Dead has the old-school disaster movie feeling down pat.
DUNE
Dune is a legitimate artistic triumph, carried by a director’s genuine ambition to give us some of the most striking imagery in recent sci-fi history. It’s a visual poem that invokes an incredible sense of scope that is always welcome in a Hollywood epic. Denis Villeneuve’s insane passion and ambition bring beautiful life into this story rooted in mythology and tradition. It also helps that he knows just when to allow you to absorb the immersive atmosphere. While I personally don’t hold it in the same regard as Blade Runner 2049, Villeneuve’s last science-fiction opus, Dune is deserving of all the awards-buzz that it’s been getting and then some, for no other reason than its immense craftsmanship. Do yourself a favor and watch it on the biggest screen you can find.
IN THE HEIGHTS
This adaptation of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton before Hamilton is a musical that elevates the genre to this generation’s standards beautifully as it wraps its audience in a warm cultural quilt and introduces you to characters that you will love instantly like Usnavi, Nina, and especially Abuela, oh Abuela. Director Jon Chu makes the imagery come alive like no other musical, bringing stage to screen impeccably. And when you have Miranda’s notoriously good songwriting, and such knockouts as It Won’t be Long, 96,000, Blackout, Champagne, among others to back you up, nobody can lose. Not only will you be dancing and swooning for this movie, you will love your home and where you came from all over again.
MALIGNANT
James Wan brings us his first original horror movie in years, and with it he gives a horrifying look at suppressed trauma and isolation experienced by adopted children and victims of abuse. A lot of buildup pays off spectacularly with one of the most unique and grotesque movie monsters in recent memory. It’s a beautiful cocktail of all kinds of horror genres, psychological thriller, creature feature, and the operatic fever dream. I’m hesitant to say that this movie absolutely lends itself to a franchise, but I can think of a lot worse horror movies to be given that treatment.
THE SUICIDE SQUAD
THE Suicide Squad makes the last one look like Barney. Gloriously insanity, at times beautiful cinematography, a roster of stars like Margot Robbie, John Cena, Idris Elba, Jai Courtney, etc, and well-drawn characters make this a perfect R-rated companion piece to those OTHER James Gunn superhero movies, one where his is given an amazing sandbox to play in, one where there’s real stakes, and real consequences to actions. Also, King Shark is in it, and really, who doesn’t love King Shark?
JUDAS AND THE BLACK MESSIAH
Director Shaka King manages to make a tribute to Fred Hampton, chairman of the Illinois chapter of the Black Panthers, and the entire movement in general, that feels far from the usual Oscar-bait treatment thanks to his raw directing and earnest writing that doesn’t shy away from the genuine peril felt by those who refuse to cave into tyranny and prejudice. Daniel Kaluyaa absolutely earned his Oscar as Hampton, especially in the second act where he gives an intensely powerful speech to his followers. Lakeith Stanfield, deserves equal praise as a man caught between his own self desires and the cause that will help him and those around him. Dominique Fishback, though, sadly didn’t get the awards buzz she deserved as Hampton’s poetic significant other. It all builds up to a tragic climax as it recreates the assassination that nearly brought an entire social justice movement to its knees. You may be shaken to your core by the “where are they now” segment at the end, but in all the right ways. Truly a moving and powerful work of art.
KING RICHARD
Like all great sports biopics, King Richard gets a ton of dramatic milage from what makes the particular true story it’s telling so inspiring. In this case, it’s that of a decent and honest man who came from nothing and tries to make his mark on the world though his daughters’ tennis careers, only to learn to put their well-being before his, teaching them values such as self-respect and humility. Will Smith, one of the most disappears It even manages to uplift after its cruel climax. Sienna and Vanessa Williams have inspired girls all over the world for decades and this movie more than does them both justice. Reinaldo Marcus Green’s beautiful direction also helps both Compton and Miami absolutely pop as you’re really drawn into both settings. It all adds up to a galvanizing stroke of a film.
GODZILLA VS. KONG
Unapologetically stupid, not even the least bit pretentious, and lean as the very best of blockbuster cinema, Godzilla vs Kong delivers big time, whether you’re a Kaiju aficionado or not. All the fighting has the unapologetic absurdity and madcap energy that I felt was only available in spurts in the previous three flicks in Legendry’s Monsterverse, with it being obvious that director Adam Wingard had all the enthusiasm as a kid with his brand new action figures for Christmas. The human characters, save for Rebecca Hall and the little deaf girl she acts as a surrogate mother for, may not be anything write home about in terms of having compelling drama, but what does anyone expect from a movie called Godzilla vs Kong, The Shawshank Redemption? Add in a good sense of humor, great special effects, and some nice moments between Kong and said little deaf girl, and you got a rocking good time, exactly what we needed after a year like 2020.
Special thanks to Jacob for writing this little piece of list! All the films listed here are available to stream on HBO Max.
